Tabula Candida

Doodles of a distracted historian

History

Posted on September 25, 2022 by tabulacandida

I’m only in it for the groupies, of course.

Catiline

Posted on September 4, 2022 by tabulacandida

I hope this email finds you in exile in Massilia.

Round

Posted on October 13, 2021 by tabulacandida

Venn diagram
Left: People who think Columbus proved the world is round
Right: People who think the world is actually flat
Arrow pointing to the overlap: It's bad enough that there's anyone on either side, but what the hell is going on with these folks?

I’m still looking for the “Columbus faked the Hispaniola landing” conspiracy theory folks.

Time travel

Posted on August 8, 2021 by tabulacandida

Panel 1: A professor in front of a class
Student: Hey, Professor, if you could travel back in time and--
Professor: Let me stop you right there. Time travel is impossible. Here's why...
Panel 2: A scientist in front of a blackboard
Caption: The physics of time travel were actually worked out by physicist Adrian Cavendish about five years ago.
Scientist: Why, it's so simple, really! Now, where can I get a Delorean... Or maybe a phone booth...
Panel 3: Two people
Caption: Of course, we all understood what we had to do next.
A: We have to go kill baby Hitler.
B: Are we sure that's the right way to start?
A: You gotta kill baby Hitler. It's, like, time travel law.
Panel 4: Killing baby Hitler; time travel effect Zorp!
Caption: It was like taking candy from... you know.
A: Die, die, you cherubic little future Fuhrer!
Baby Hitler: Achtung! But meine art career!
Panel 5: A and B in the present; time travel effect Zarp!
Caption: The amazing thing was: it worked!
B: How will we know if it worked?
A: Check Wikipedia for significant historical events in Poland in September 1939.
B (reading from phone): Uh... “Jozef Slovinksy debuted Masha the Singing Chicken to rave reviews on the Warsaw music hall stage.”
Panel 6: Three people in disccussion
Caption: It worked better than we could ever have imagined.
A: We just prevented World War 2!
C: World what now?
Panel 7: Killing more historical babies.
Caption: Once we eliminated Hitler from history, we started looking for more targets.
A: I am your doom, baby Genghis Khan!
B: Eat my dagger, toddler Caesar!
Panel 8: Two people
Caption: As we erased more and more of history's greatest mass murderers, our standards began to change.
B (reading from phone): Hm, in 1782 Maria de Soto slipped while walking home at night, dropped her lantern, and started a fire that burned three houses in Seville.
A: It's baby-stabbing time!
Panel 9: An attacker from the future appears
Caption: Our actions had unintended consequences.
D: There you are, the great monsters! You have committed the most terrible atrocity in all of history!
B: But you don't understand! Those babies were all evil!
D: Our historical records show that humanity has lived in perfect peace and harmony except for your time-traveling infanticide spree!
Panel 10: More attackers from the future
Caption: The more attacks from the future we fought off, the worse things got.
E: You killed my great-grandfather! And my great-grandson!
A: What? How did--
E: Look, it's complicated, okay?
Panel 11: Killing baby Adrian Cavendish
Caption: There was only one thing we could do...
B: Sorry about this, baby Adrian. I have to stop me before it's too late.
Baby Adrian: Ahh! But my physics career!
Panel 12: Back in the classroom.
Professor: And that's why there's no time travel. Now, back to today's lesson.
Panel 13: Classroom
Student: Look, you could have just said no...
Professor: You have to understand! The problem with time travel isn't physics, it's people!

The problem is always people.

Declaration

Posted on July 4, 2021 by tabulacandida

Franklin, Jefferson, and Adams looking at the Declaration of Independence
Franklin: Splendid work, Jefferson! A stirring declaration of freedom and the common rights of humanity! Now, what are we going to do about all the slavery?
Jefferson: Well, I thought we could just make it illegal to ever teach anyone about it.
Adams: Yes, that is definitely the right thing to do and will never have consequences for our nation's future.

Dealing with problems by pretending they don’t exist has a such a good track record, we should make it the law that everyone else has to pretend they don’t exist, too.

SARCASM