Tabula Candida

Doodles of a distracted historian

Tourist trap

Posted on September 18, 2021 by tabulacandida

Outside a dungeon a goblin sits near a sign saying “The Lair of the Trapmaster. Admission 5 gold”
Goblin: Hail, adventurers! Looking for a good dungeon delve? Try the Lair of the Trapmaster for the most devious challenges in the realm! Just 5 gold a head to get in!
Fighter: Well, we're in between adventures at the moment, I guess we could spare the time, but...
Goblin: Just think of all the treasure that could be hidden within! Who know what lies beyond those doors?
Wizard: I never heard of a dungeon with an entrance fee before.
Goblin: Look, I'm just the door goblin. You got questions, you can take them up with the Trapmaster after you defeat him.
Fighter (handing over a purse): Okay, what the heck.
Inside the dungeon, an empty room and the door slams shut after the party enters.
Fighter: Hey what is this?
Wizard: It's an empty room!
Fighter: Where are the-- Oh... Oh, that is devious.
The goblin delivers the purse to the Trapmaster.
Goblin: More gold, boss!
Trapmaster: I still can't believe they keep falling for it.
Goblin: Suits me! This is so much easier than climbing down into the spike pits to rifle the bodies for loose change! — Dungeon smarter, not harder.

Curses

Posted on August 22, 2021 by tabulacandida

A stage with a sign for “Doctor Everard's Amazing Traveling Cursed Item Show.”
Dr. Everard: Adventurers! Do you suffer from this problem?
Presenter B: Hey, that's a nice new sword you found in that treasure hoard! You should start using that!
Presenter A: I would, but I'm worried it's cursed. What can I do?
Dr. Everard: Well, worry no more! Come on down to Doctor Everard's Cursed Items! Every item we sell is guaranteed to be cursed, personally tested by our qualified hexperts!
Presenter A: How's that ring?
Presenter B: Not bad, it just keeps whispering at me that I should kill my family.
Presenter A: Gosh, is it actually compelling you to attack them?
Presenter B: No, it just makes holiday dinners a little awkward.
Dr. Everard: Yes, now you can be sure not only that your items are cursed but exactly how cursed they are! Take the anxiety out of treasure!
Audience: Boo! This is stupid! You suck!
Someone throws a tomato.
The tomato knocks over a torch and sets the curtains on fire. The whole stage burns down.
Dr. Everard and the presenters stand among the ruins.
Presenter A: You know, I'm starting to think this whole business idea is, uh...
Dr. Everard: *Sigh* Don't say it.

Yeah, Oglaf would have done it better.

Ancestors

Posted on October 28, 2020 by tabulacandida

Fighter: Look, if you're going to be in the adventuring party, you've got to stop raising skeletons at every graveyard we pass.
Necromancer: You are being so culturally insensitive right now!
Fighter: We're being insensitive?! You're the one practicing necromancy!
Necromancer: It's not necromancy, it's ancestor worship.
Fighter: These aren't even your ancestors!
Necromancer: Well, they're somebody's ancestors!

Necromancy: it’s all fun and games until someone raises your grandpa.

Quest

Posted on July 8, 2018 by tabulacandida

The quest for the Amulet of Eternal Darkness is suspended pending the outcome of a review by the Humanoid Complaints Board.

Bridge

Posted on May 30, 2018 by tabulacandida

She’s in the habit of crossing, herself.